# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.